Good grief I didn't realize how long it's been since I last posted. Things have been hectic here to say the least. and while things have been good on the outside, things have not been so inside. Since I don't have any followers, I don't really have to worry about any this getting around to the people I know.

I miss being me. I miss being the girl that sat at the lunch table by herself and just read books. I know that sounds terribly depressing but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But I don't really feel comfortable telling them anything. In a circle like ours, things spread like wildfire and there are things that not everyone needs to know. I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm part of the group but not really a part. People need me when things falls apart but that's about it. When people are having problems is the only time they think to contact me. I guess in my increasingly cynical and pessimistic view of the world I still hold a sliver of the ideal. Why? I don't know.

I guess I could have written a smiley, happy post but I promised myself that if I wasn't honest anywhere else I would be here. No pretending here. Not like in life. Just the truth.

Dreams

What makes us believe that some dreams are impossible? That these dreams can never come true? Who told you that your dreams were unrealistic?

I have plenty of dreams that I want to accomplish. To travel. To sing more than karaoke. To be more than what I am. But most importantly to make a difference in the lives of the people around me. Not just any difference, but a positive one. I want to live people better than when I met them. I want to say things without my own words getting the best of me.

‎"It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual; it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all." ---Eleanor Roosevelt

Walls

Recently I had the opportunity to let go of some long held...thoughts I guess you could say. It was harder than I thought to trust somebody beyond the superficial. It felt amazing to let some of it go, but it is sooo hard to break down some of these walls that I've built down over the last few years. I've found walls that i didn't even know I had. It's frightening to be that vulnerable with people, even if they are really good friends. I think my deepest fear is once I let anyone get close enough to see how damaged I really am they'll leave. I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with that type of rejection. I've dealt with so much on the surface that I'm afraid that rejection will completely break me. How do I know that I can trust someone that implicitly? A majority of people have proven that they can't be trusted. They've either broken my trust directly or proven themselves untrustworthy indirectly. When there is so much manipulation and distrust in the world how do you let someone past the walls?

Niches Don't Exist

This one will be a little shorter than the other posts.

Have you ever felt like you thought you belonged somewhere just to find out you didn't really belong? The sad part is no one bothered to tell you. So while you were off thinking you had finally found your niche, you were probably being laughed or secretly pitied for your lack of completely fitting properly in this particular social circle. I honestly would rather be told, not blindly thinking I fit somewhere. Looks like I'll have to revert or regress to the days when I didn't interact with the people around me so much. I didn't really like it that feeling in middle school but it's definitely better than being used up by people that are supposed to be your friends but aren't. Good thing I'm ending my dependence on people.

Balancing the Scales

I was looking at quotes the other day, which is something I do when I run out of interesting things to say on my facebook status, and I came across this one from Hubert Humphrey:

"Life's unfairness is not irrevocable; we can help balance the scales for others, if not always for ourselves."

It seemed like a good quote so I made it my facebook status. However, when I was on facebook earlier today, I read it. It has occurred to me that I have become increasingly me oriented as of late. I don't really know how or when it happened, but that's usually not a good thing. I end up on this 'poor me' stint. You know.....the one where you're like "life's so unfair" or "why can't I catch a break".....blah blah. Yeah, not a good thing. That quote reminded me that life sucks sometimes, big deal. You live, learn, move on, and pass on what you've learned to other people. That's how you help balance the scales for others. You pass on what you've learned from previous life experiences so others don't have to go through what you've been through.

Profound? Insightful? not really. Just a reminder that we can cushion the blows of life's unfairness for others. Who knows...if everyone helps another person, someone might just help balance the scales of your life once in a while.

Pain......

So I figured I would write about something that's difficult to put into words: Pain.

Yeah, we all know how it feels, but usually we are at a lost for words when it comes to telling someone else about it. That's pretty ironic, considering that there are at least 20 different words to say pain. There's anguish, ache, agony, hurt.....you get the picture. The thing is each of these words paint a different picture, a different aspect or angle of pain.

Right now there is so much pain around me. It's not necessarily my pain, but the pain of others. This type of pain is felt more acutely by the heart. There's the pain of heartbreak, of disappointment, of causing pain to someone else. I wish I could take the pain of the people around me and sometimes I think I do without realizing it. At least a little of it. Mix that in with pain of my own and life seems a little bleak. It feels like all the happiness has gone out of the world and my job is to bring it back even though I don't feel it myself. As long as others around me are happy...right? The problem with that is that I wish someone would ask once in a while if I'm ok. Not happy. Just ok. Because right now, I'm not ok. The funny thing is no one can see it because they are wrapped in their own cocoon of pain or anguish or hurt. I've always been the one to smile and make others laugh when they're down, but the other day I found myself trying to make myself laugh so I wouldn't worry a friend. You know that you've reached the ultimate in masochistic behavior when you're hurting, but you're so afraid of worrying those around you that you hide it.

Constancy of a Dream

Is this a dream that has graced my thoughts? Or is it a nightmare in disguise? I pray that it is a dream because I have come to embrace it. I have blindly embraced it with no questions asked. Granted, that probably isn’t the most intelligent thing to do. But I could not stop the comforting arms that lulled me to sleep. When I awoke, I no longer knew dreams from reality. It doesn’t matter. I will be happy in this place. This place-where smiles are constant and laughter is common. This place-where pain and despair are the subjects of fictional stories. I cannot wish to stay here. It is not a proper wish. How can we know happiness in the absence of sadness? How can we know joy in the absence of pain? How can we understand what we have gained if we cannot see what we’ve lost? No, I can’t stay here. This is not life. It is death. This dream is death because it is static. It never moves. That is the constancy that will surely kill me. I can’t stay here. I won’t stay here. I will break the spell of this dream with reality. I refuse to end my life with the static of constancy.